Where to begin?
I'll jump in and begin by saying that I've been through some hella tough times in the past five years... yet here I am, with a budding leaf EVEN! Hah!
(Seemed 'à propos' with the first day of spring having just sprung)
Most people have experienced hitting what is perceived to be rock bottom with seemingly no further depth to hit, at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, even when you believe you're 'there', there are a few layers deeper to be found, not that one actively goes looking for them.
However, I am choosing to leave all that behind me, and in the process, I have learned to discard a whole lot of trauma, and 'baggage'; the things that no longer serve me, in my wake. I cannot even begin to express how grueling a journey it has been, and I'm a rather tough chica, but holy crow! (I even ate some of that along the way!)
Perhaps I will find the courage to tell the story in its entirety at some time in the future, but for now, let's just leave it at that.
We create these bubbles of what people expect of us, what society dictates, and what we, ourselves, project and we tend to 'live there', molded and sculpted; a square peg shoved into a round hole, simply because it is the conventional order of things. Sadly, in the process, we leave so much of our genuine selves on the back burner, in the shadows, on a shelf. More often than not, we dismiss and deny a part of who we are until it becomes barely recognizable and even forgotten.
My advice at this point would be to take out your feather duster and start rooting around until you find the tiniest glimpse, the smallest sliver, the foggiest memory of what used to bring a lightness of being, some form of solace, comfort, and joy to your heart. Then, dust it off and breathe a bit of life into it until you spark that passion into a roaring fire that burns inside you once again.
What provided that glimmer of hope for me was being in nature, and by that, I mean simply BEING in nature. I have always felt that I was an extension of nature and vice versa. It's such a shame that I forgot that belief or rather that I didn't make time for it, because it has been my saving grace; right alongside my little pomeranian-pug who loves me unconditionally, and music in many forms and genres, they have all been a part of my daily meditation.
I discovered Trevor Hall, Nahko and Medicine for The People, Xavier Rudd, Sons of The East, Sam Garrett, Jack Botts, Ziggy Alberts, Rising Appalachia, The Dreggs, Hollow Coves, Paul Izak, Satsang, Ben Howard, Patrick Watson, and other wonderful musicians. Their very soulful lyrics (erring on the side of spiritual at times), speak to me in meaningful ways.
Then on a completely different note, I started listening to Alpha, Beta, Delta, and Theta sound frequencies as well as Binaural Beats to help calm me, melt away anxiety, help me concentrate, or to help me fall asleep. I've experienced different frequency 'measures' according to my state of mind, moods, etc. They have been very beneficial in clearing my mind, regulating my heart rate and just bringing me to a calm, safe place and general state of well-being. So much so that I have stopped using medicinal cannabis, which I was only using to give me some respite from chronic pain long enough to get some sort of 'normal' sleep. The music proved to be a much more holistic approach to pain management. Will I go so far as to say it completely erases my pain? No, though it releases all these happy hormones that enable me to cope with it more healthily. I mean don't get me wrong, I still have some pretty bad nights (and days). But, I'm in a much better state of mind and state of being to handle it, because when you're in pain 24/7 it's exhausting, and when you're exhausted and sleep deprived; it's a vicious cycle, a recipe for disaster without even adding depression to the mix.
My aim is to feel healthier, in body, mind, and spirit. And I must admit, so far I'm doing quite well, I'm proud of the progress I've made.
~Be kind & patient with yourself...
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